They are gorgeous to look at but not only that – apparently they never argue! Wow!
For most of us that is not the case…so how can we handle conflict well when we are in a relationship?
When we are in a relationship and under pressure, conflict and anger can become very difficult to manage especially when feelings get heated. It is important to keep your anger respectful and safe. Some issues to think through regarding anger are:
Does the way you express anger with your partner get you what you want?
Does it help you to be taken seriously and get the respect you deserve?
We may need to take some steps in order to manage our anger in a healthy way. Some tips to handle anger are:
Notice when you are beginning to feel angry e.g. reddening of face
Use this as a signal that something is about to happen.
If you are able to, remove yourself from the situation to give yourself time to think.
If not take some deep breaths and focus on that for a couple of seconds.
Try and think long term. This is especially important if you are prone to “fly off the handle”. Think through your options. “If I say this I may feel better for the next five minutes but will I regret this behaviour in an hour or week?” Reflect to yourself “Am I hurting myself here by doing something now I later wish I hadn’t?”
Write down your feelings at the time or as close to the incident as possible. It may be just single words for example: Hurt/Tearful/Rejected/Unheard/Frustrated
Try and think if you have experienced this feeling of anger before and where.
Has your current situation triggered something from your past?
Notice any patterns of feelings. For example, you may feel “My partner doesn’t appreciate all I do for him”. This could be true but it could also relate into how you have been treated in the past – perhaps never feeling valued in your family or in other relationships.
This gives you the chance to see that although you are angry with your partner it also associates with other people who have hurt you. You may need some support in order to deal with your past pain – and you may like to consider a professional counsellor. It is important to deal with past anger and hurt so current anger is not baggage from the past but relevant to the situation you are in today. At Take Action Counselling we may be able to help you with this. Email us for more information.