In this week’s Guardian problem page to Pamela Stephenson Connolly there is a letter from a woman who has engaged in a virtual relationship with an old school friend. This got me thinking about cheating and social media. Cheating via social media or any other online platform or medium could fall within the realm of cheating for some people. We do need to acknowledge that it is prolific in our day and age. Sex Therapist Tammy Nelson says that this is the age where we can lie next to our partner in bed and “cheat” on them on our phone without our partner knowing. Or is Virtual Cheating actually really “Micro-cheating ”which describes behaviours that can make you feel jealous and insecure but can’t quite be classified as cheating. The phrase “Sliding into someone’s DMs” has an undertone of doing something taboo, and many people, regardless of their relationship status, seem to take part. Contacting someone online to flirt, exchange sexual pictures, even if you don’t actually meeting them in person if you don’t tell your partner about it and hide it from them. For some people, liking other people’s “thirst traps” is considered a form of cheating.
Examples of virtual cheating include:
- Sending flirtatious messages on social media
- Sexting
- Exchanging nudes
- Spending more time speaking to another person online than your partner
- Having a secret online dating profile
- Sexually and/ or emotionally charged conversations in chat rooms
Perhaps the real question is, what is the intention behind someone’s online behaviour? And would you like it if your partner acted in the same way? Relationship expert Esther Perel said in a TED talk, “[When we cheat it] isn’t always our partner we turn away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn’t so much that we’re looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.” The fantasy of a virtual relationship could be the desperate desire to get in touch with a part of ourselves that we feel we can’t access or have lost. Either way we may need to be honest with our partner and ourselves about our intentions that lie behind virtual sexual behaviour and relationships. For help around relationships contact us at Take Action Counselling we may be able to support you.
(Source: What is Considered Cheating in Relationships? By Anna Dresche Simply Psychology: www.simplypsychology.org)