Agony Aunt, Therapist and Author Philippa Perry has revealed that the common theme linking much of the people who write to her are difficult relationships with other people.
She gives some great advice in her article in The Guardian on 15th January
Some highlights are:
We May Need To Learn Some Skills:
Well, for some, getting on with others just comes naturally. They just know when to smile, when to nod, how to be interested and how to lie to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. They can naturally read people in professional settings and in their social circle. The rest of us just have to learn them. Those who have these skills – often called “people skills” or “soft skills” – may mistakenly assume that those of us without them are being deliberately offensive. Recognising where your innate ability lies is important. To do this you have to be able to accept all aspects of yourself, even the uncomfortable or imperfect parts, like jealousy or our capacity to hate. When we stop suppressing these complexities and embrace ourselves, we become more open to genuine connection with others. We can relate to those around us without the need to hide, compete or project insecurities.
Try Not To Go In Negative:
There is also the danger of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go to a gathering and you think as you enter the space, “Nobody likes me, no one wants to talk to me,” how would that show in your body language? What vibes would you be giving off? You’d probably stay on the edges, avoid eye contact. Now suppose instead you think, “Everyone is interesting and attractive and pleased to see me and I want to talk to them about what I’m thinking, and I want to find out what they are thinking about,” how would that show in your body language, eye contact and the vibe you give off? It will make you more approachable.
Be Kind To Yourself:
You must also be kind to yourself: you are not alone in your fears and desires to feel a greater sense of belonging. Our struggles are part of the universal human condition. This is why I often recommend group therapy. It offers a space where shared struggles create a sense of connection. But where we dare to be vulnerable and authentic in any group or relationship, we have a better chance of forming true connection. And it’s important to balance our intellectual independence with recognising what is universal about the human experience.
The Problem May Not Be External:
Often, we believe the solution to our problems lies outside ourselves, believing that if we leave the job, the relationship, everything will be fine. Of course, that can sometimes be true and it’s important to be alert to situations which are truly damaging. But the path towards feeling more connected to others usually starts from within. We must examine how we talk to ourselves, uncover the covert beliefs we live by, and confront the darker aspects of our psyche.
By acknowledging our shared humanity, and confronting our projections, we can form more genuine connections. Other people can be frightening, frustrating and downright annoying, but remember we’re all in the same boat and, hopefully, that journey will become more plain sailing. #philippaperry